Hate Everyone....Say Anything

things will just never change.
you will never grow up and ill never feel as superior as i wish i could be.
the most is that im still above you.
you are wrong at everything you do or say.
guess one lion had to win and in the end it was me.

im still a mere marionette
being played left and right up and down on these strings to what you so call "happy music"
sweetie that smile is clearly a hoax and you've become the cellophane to wrap my dinner.
even metal will bend and break with your entrance.

Just take it. make it count and let no one smell your fear. so it was something that would never be. the point is to grow and move on. I'm pretty sure im over you at least after tonight i know that this action will have no effect. I can just laugh when i see photos posted galore and now i know i am superior because i only needed to pass your stupidity to realize i rule the jungle on my own.


MUSIC: Dave Mellilo- Knights of the Island Counter

yea its like anarbor month. pretty wicked.

"without you theres no reason for my story."


haha so ive been dreaming a lil too much lately but its pretty funny- the things i can think of. highfive to childhood:D

"thinking of you...and i knew i couldnt take anymore."

its been too long and i need to get back into the swing

my mind has been running all over ever since i stopped writing here. i just needed somewhere to write but i didnt have time so my brain was on the verge of exploding. lately ive sold my car, yet to get a new one. cut back on shows for lack of money, ready to cry over that one. ive gotten over my lust and a love and ive found something new. yes, the ideals are a little off but im willing to change my point of view. ive been on dirty buses watching everyone in their world knowing everyone elses and for some reason i hate it but missed it. ive been working out lately to get myself fit for a new life, ive been watching home videos where i honestly believe thats not me. i was someone so different before and im constantly going through metamorphosis. sometimes i wish i couldve moved to Arizona just to be somewhere else and ive also never been to the other side of the country. i never leave this tristate area and its aggravating. if only my band could be a success and i could get out and head on the road. my eyes keep turning green more than usual and i think i love it, it makes me different for a few seconds and it brings out a different point of view. I think im going to go for a walk today i dont know where ill end up but i think thats because i dont want to stop.

Taking some time

1)I want to just run into his arms and tell him i love him
if only i could tell him that just being around him makes me happy
i can just sit here with him and watch the world fall apart in tears and tragedy but ill be smiling. If his eyes were to open a touch more i think he'd say the same to me. but i guess by then i should have my options opened.

2)i want to tell him, this time i wont write a letter. let him know that my life has changed completely because of him and everything around me reminds me of him in some odd way. that i kinda wonder what it would've been like to talk and laugh and enjoy his company. it's taking some time to move on...

3)I want him to notice me and i have a feeling that he does even more than i expected but maybe its because i get too nervous and i tend to look in another direction i dont realize. ha and reading that sentence fast is exactly how i feel when I'm near him. i never want him to realize that once in awhile ill stick my head in his direction hoping hell smile back. and which so much in common a girl can only imagine but know it will get her no where. too pulled apart even though eventually we'll snap back into form.


this was my quick moment to vent when the only noise i hear right now is the computer fan and the only light is the from the screen. sometimes i wish my best friend was here sometimes i just tell myself to go to bed.

late night make or break

I walked up to your door
about to grip on to the knob i saw the future passing by
everything that could happen and everything id be giving up on
i was just about to turn the knob and step on in
but it hit me.
what i do.
is it worth it?
will you notice all ive done
because you havent noticed the signs so far.
and it may be because you dont know what you want
so let me make it clear
im tired of the he said she said
and i want to hear it from your voice box, your lips
and if you see me beginning to crash,
i want you to come to the rescue
lets not change anything after today.
for once in a really long time
i know what i want
and i want you to want the same
i want to be able to walk through that door unafraid of the consequences or the monsters that come to scare me off
i just need to see your hand held out for me to grab so i know we can do this together
either that or i need to move on
but ive moved so many times
ive given up on everything
and this is my turn to be real with myself!
this is my chance
and im not willing to pass on this opportunity
i dont want to have walked all this way to turn around and not let you know i was near
I NEED YOU TO HEAR ME
THIS IS FROM MY VOICE BOX
MY CHORDS SHAKING
MY HEART BEAT SKIPPING
MY HANDS TREMBLING
This is me in reality
and i want to be accepted
i want your approval with your lips
to give me comfort and ill know everything will be fine.
so i walked up to your door step, i grabbed the knob but about to turn it
i let go.
today is not my day to make my move, ive been taught this for too long.
ill turn around and walk on home...maybe tomorrow.

A Typical Nothing

i thought originally things would be okay
i thought eventually i could go and say hi to you
and i could walk away with a smile
knowing that your smiling too.
but today when i went up to you
it was a joke
queezy motions
i didnt feel that happiness that i once felt
and i felt sad
and you know i told myself
maybe just maybe you were the one that i liked.
i told myself for once in my life
i can be happy
and it wouldnt have to matter how much older you were
because you made me happy
seeing you everyday made me happy
but iam not going to be that girl that stays there waiting for you
to make your coffee.
im going to walk away eventually
im going to have an actually job
get an education
i didnt care that you didnt have the same
i didnt care what you did
your past meant nothing to me.
i was happy seeing your truck drive by
knowing that someones working with the trees and nature
whether you were burning it or renewing it
i approved of all you stood for without even knowing what you stood for
because i told myself
maybe just maybe i was in love with you
it didnt matter age
oh i still have those feelings
theyre all i have left now
you dont seem to be the same
so now they're beginning to vanish.
you dont care anymore
but i didnt know if you cared before
did you even remember my name?
scream it!
tell me that i meant something to you
i know i dont anymore
i know that we moved on from this
i know that you were looking for a realistic aged women
whos also living a life like you
maybe not with trees but i think you get the picture
she will realize shes fucked up as well
and you will take her into your arms
and you will tell her how much you love her.
maybe just maybe i loved you
and maybe i can get over you
im still not sure yet
im still young i dont really know what im saying half the time.
so when she gave me that call that day to tell me where you were
my heart stopped my breathing impaired my stomach empty
it was a shock but i loved it
just as much as i loved you
i looked like crap
and i didnt care
as long as i saw your face
and oh i saw your face
and i was nervous and overwhelmed
and i couldnt say hi
i figured you would know why
i figured you know that maybe you still understand
but you wouldnt have cared
you never really cared did you
i was just one of those girls who stood at the counter with your coffee already made
even though mine was made with love
you couldnt tell
cuz its just coffee right?
but i never regreted what i did for you
i still care even though i shouldnt
its the impact you left on me
dont you see it
dont you see what you did?
i was able to still love or care for you
even though you didnt
it was still something
it was something out of my heart
and out of my mind
the kindness in my eyes that you didnt see before
you can see it now
hell. you cant see it anymore
i know that my love meant nothing
my care meant nothing
and everything that i did or try to do for you meant nothing
every cup.
every drop.
every splash of cream
every sugar
french vanilla cream extra sugar
how could i forget
how does that make you feel?
you dont care
you never did you never will
and i think i know why
because in your eyes i was thought of as a child
as a baby
still young and not sure of the world
tell me once you never had a feeling for me
tell me you never said i was awesome and you really wanted to know me
you really think those conversations were nothing?
so i guess you really dont care.

.......

its just a kiss it dont mean nothing, no
im done im done im dreaming
this sun is sober cuz ive got to move on my own
i cant take it no
your out of my life
please just stop holding on
my arm is gripping
its getting closer
to all we know


i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i can get to the end

if you wanted to help me
so

i know you heard about the last one
yea everybody else knows
but whatd you think about before
and what do you think about it now
are you willing to give it a chance
are you for this secondary backseat romance
just tell me if your ready

i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then ill get to the end
we can hold hands and well sing
well be so happy
but its just my heart dreaming
my heart is dreaming

it never seemed that hard no
it never seemed so difficult
it always seemed so easy
if i had you then id be done(x2)

but im not sure if your with me

i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i will get to the end
i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i can get to the end

if your here with me
then hold my hand and well sing
if your here with me
then hold my hand well sing
if your here with me
then hold my hand and well sing
if your here with me
then my hold my hand and well
lalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalala

i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i can get to the end
we can hold hands and well sing
well have only good memories

cuz this is all i need
i need my precious baby
if your with me

i dont deserve to write anymore

god, i just dont know what to say anymore
i have no way to make proper sense
so i end up playing scrabble in my brain
a game ive never been good at.

so many things cross my mind but i can never pick
just one to talk about
to scream out or help me breathe
a little longer.

oh brother there i go again making myself seem vulnerable
not that i am not of course
it just takes some time for me to move on
to keep focus of
the right thing.

laugh at me if i make a fool
its common in my nick of the woods
though woods have never been a favorite place of mine
to be found and to scatter.

i need an open space
i need time alone
i need to just sit
sip coffee or perhaps green tea
that stuff always makes me feel good
i need to scream
i say it all the time
i need to let out all my emotions
or i just need to not care anymore
its just not easy
i dont care what you say
it will not happen for me
i always end up stuck
god fucking damnit!

here i am repeating myself, it's all i'll ever do.

i am not a writer

i dont write stories
and when i do it never works out
I want to find something else
I write poetry but what does that tell me
i mean i could change poetry into song
but even that wouldnt help me too much
and it never seems to be quite the same
plus lately my poetry has been sluggish
so i am not a writer
but i do write
i am not a writer but i do read
what others wish to say
i am not a singer
but i want to be if it could ever help me
im not alot of things
but im alot of things as well
so where exactly does this leave me?

you are stuck in this box

it ridiculous to love someone whose been out of your life for four years
and its terrible to be crushing on someone you've only said two words to.
and everything seems to be out of proportion in my mind
so everything is sprouting out at once
leaving everyone puzzled.
the sun spots im seeing are moving fast like an airplane through a bright and sunny sky
i wish i were on that plane
ending up somewhere other than here
if only for a few days
or a few hours
to be gone and think of something new
rather to be stuck in this disgust and remorse of the weeks past.
the days drive will not happen for me today
they refuse to walk out on a sunny day
so everyone has to suffer and never get the sun bleached hair
at least thats in my house for today
so maybe tomorrow can be better
but for now were going to create the perfect tv family
while i sit here alone up in my room.

BEEBOPS PRODUCTIONS

so ill write this quick because i know hes not around
but i cant stop thinking about what i could be saying to him next
which then brings up how shy i pretty much am
and on top of that
theres news spreading around
that ive yet to hear personally except from others mouths and ears
so whos it going to be
and whats going to go down
all this is just getting annoying



and now i dont know what else to write so ill leave it at that.

this is the worst thing i can write.

I am david lee roth I am bret easton ellis i am bruce wayne but i may also be len bias.
no i am not any of these and most likely never will be
i am not one who decides on enjoying some cocaine in the middle of summer or in the brash of winter
i prefer being someone else i guess
even though in this case someone else seems like everyone else that doesnt do cocaine
and im not saying its a bad thing (but of course it is) and i wont put you down for whatever you do because maybe i cant stop you
time doesnt seem to be a matter to some but id like to keep my life right on track for atleast as long as i can.

___________________________________________
today i am starting a new journey
i want to be able to just say hello or goodbye
or ask how youve been because i know this life doesnt seem the greatest
i want to get out there and show im not a bad person but i can be extremly friendly
YES i am friendly but extremely shy as well and that makes me seem foolish and not confident and then my life goes spiraling down into a pit that ends up filling me with depression but i guess its not too bad i mean eventually i can pick myself back up

"So are you still saying im not when I already am( you keep on kicking me down)
And why are you still saying we wont when we already are(you keep on kicking me down,you keep on kicking me down))
Ain’t it a shame to be so young and insane"

thats exactly what i am but no one truely knows that because i tend to be all hidden or i end up coming off as annoying and it makes me seem so out of touch with my living.

"And give it up
Don’t turn away
This time could be different
You’re making this difficult
Just thought I loved you more
The way you leave
I’ll be starting a new life on my own
Cus it’s a constant tragedy
Connecting you and I
And I love when I hear you say:
I want to feel alive
I want to be with you one more night
Just you and I
And the city lights
We’ll do it one more time
Except this time we’ll get it right"

and my throat is getting tight
and my vocal chords are ready to shake but cant make the first move
and my heart is pumping so much
and i seem so foolish
and i put myself down in the ending anyway
just because i dont know what to do.
i just dont want him to see what ive written.

R.I.P Yukon [yuki] Yankee Perez

Between you and i
i don't know where i can continue to move.
see my mind is put in only one place right now
and i feel nothing can be done.
I've never seen their faces so red,
so broken and irreplaceable.
i had no idea what to do but
i knew i had to help somehow.
and when she screamed "NO, don't touch him i want him to stay"
my heart stopped and i stood there
telling myself this was really happening
i was losing one of the best parts of my life
one of the parts you say, oh it wont matter too much
until it strikes you that, that period of your life is done
not for a minute or for a moment
but for eternity he can only be a memory that everyone will remember.
he touched so many
and he brought everyone joy
and the passion of pushing away from his breath.
there are so many things i felt i forgot to tell him while he was still here
i feel like i never appreciated him enough
but trust me i did
he was my everything
and he always will be
because that's how he was
the second you saw him
you were instantly attached
and there was no pulling back.
so i cant tell you what he did to me exactly and how i loved every moment of his presence brightened my day
but i can tell you,
between you and i
he was the best dog a five year old girl can ask for.

opened wide the world we saw

i didnt know what to do
my heart was racing
my arms stiff from the cold air
my legs shaking and needing to move
we booked as fast as we could go
in the local scene
if only the summer could come quicker
and i could finally feel some relief
you do these things just to say something
just to make yourself stand out
we seem all like a fool through the jester's eye

Analysis

because right now for some reason i am extremely happy with myself
with my life and everything in it
its this feeling that i know i should be more realistic with
but i cant control it
its like the imagination is controlling every bit of me
and everything i see is only something i want
my eyes aren't lying
my heart just feels warm
like this is whats supposed to happen
but im not sure exactly what what is
it just happened and i let it in with open arms
i feel i made things right
but what exactly did i do
and i put myself through confusion
with a sweet poisonous smile
that everyone will fall for
even after I'm gone
yet i have this nerve that i should be suffering
i should be trying to keep the road straight
like when i went for a drive today
i felt like i was floating
it wasn't real
i never started the car
and i was arriving at a happy place
i sound psychotic in most cases
but ol golly me i feel so great no matter what pain im in
i dont know how to explain it
i just know it cant be love
for once this is not me in love or in like.

Not To Toot My Own Horn But, Beep Beep

Four year strong blasting through these tiny speakers
only half of which i can actually hear.
this sickness is pretty much taking over my whole body
eating my insides and not leaving any crumbs.
for a moment of time ill feel great, ready to move on throughout my day
and then im dragged into this dark pit of empty
with no one to keep me company
and no one to pull me out
just left to bask in nothing at all.
some say this will kill you
do you have the will power to continue fighting?
the guts to say I WONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME!(?)
I've lost quite the amount of weight
not wanting to eat
or do anything at all
the medication continues to let me sleep
so then i look slugish day in day out.
i look hopeless
and everyone is beginning to notice.
my ears feel like hands are covering them
like someone doesn't want me to hear whats going on.
everything is so foggy but my eyes don't have a defogger
and my nose isn't willing to let the disease blow.
my arms feel hurt
like i've been bruised
like they're about to break off.
my whole life feels like its about to break off
like Pangaea is seperating for a second time.
four year strong is playing through these tiny speakers
and i hear the song slowly slipping away.

due to headache

hes here with me i just know it; that shadow that will not budge. goddamn you! leave me here to die, no need to put me through the agony of one more day without you. its been too long! its been too long! and I'm still here I'm still here! I'm just falling apart thinking of hugs and love and all that puppy bullshit. its never going to change for me you will never change me. cant you see I've been here forever and forever is where I'll stay. i don't want to but i have no choice.
I've looked north!
and I've looked away and i can never get myself anywhere else.
I'm here for good
and all you left was a shadow
i don't get it!
i don't get why i am left here
i want to leave
i need a place to grow
I'm a premature kind of habit
I'm nothing more than dirt
its been said so many times!
"you will go no where"
no matter how many times you try to reach out to the open door
it will slam your fingers in
it will leave you in pain.
this shadow will just laugh its all it can do!
that number
wont dial itself
and you wont dial it either
you prefer to know what could be but what wont be.
and all you do is complain
about the awkward silences
and how the real image never leaves you
but you have the shadow
he watches your every move
and he is young and pure and not sure of what will happen next.
but you never made your move and you never will because your heart is too scared to mend itself and you think all will get better eventually.
it wont
you let this world eat you whole!
and you think everything will be fine?!
you'll continue to bitch this whole life through
yet you''ll never make a move to stop it?!
that shadow will never leave you if you plan on doing nothing. it will continue to laugh at you and let this regret build up.
you still have time don't let this get to you.
its been too long. its been too long.

you keep me up in bed

Im drifting off into the imaginary world where you are with me and we are holding hands and these tears arent falling. the sky is shining bright with the stars letting us find our ways home and the perfect song is playing. everything so perfect with everyone around but it only ever feeling like you and I are the only things on this planet.
I think of you more than i ever should i dont get why i was never able to let go. you were the closest one to me and you gave me everything with nothing at all your presence was what i desired most and your lips that i was never able to touch just continue to keep me wanting.
when will i know that i can jump and i get over the bridge holding someone else, someone else holding me? why have you left this scar?

this is to a boy who got into my head with all the pretty things he did.
this is to a boy who got into my head with all these fucked up things i did.
you are my Konstantine.

i dont want to be alone to be put off knowing nothing wouldve happened.
I fucked up and i want you
ill never get that chance again
im stuck in this portal where i can never run back
what i feel will make me whole
and complete my life so then i can die happy
and i can be who i want
but its no use writing this down
and picturing something thats not there
its hopeless and not needed
its dumb and foolish
and all i do it put more pressure on my mind
what if
what if
what if
what if is not going to happen for you hunny
you choose to lock yourself up
and only breathe the fresh air occasionally
you will go no where if you become the closet
but my feet already feel secure in this place.

because i need to sign up for scholarships

Beyond the family and friends, the "thing" I enjoy most is music. It's transformed me into this girl that I enjoy knowing and I've learned to not be so shy in words but let the music speak its mind. My family at whole listens to every single genre out there at least once. Most people say they enjoy a single or a few genres but for me I love them all. Music is never an exaggeration; it covers me in warmth and makes me feel at home though I may be miles and miles away. Without music I don’t know how I would've lived, how could I accept life without music? It describes a daily worker, a newborn child and an almost forgotten elder all at once. Just having a tune ringing in my ear or being able to listen closely to the sidewalk noise, well that is what I love. Going to a familiar concert helps me get closer with all that covers me and my heart can't help but following this beat. The best part, meeting people just like myself that also want to tune in and “rock out”. I’ve met too many people to name but not enough to forget and being able to share a room, standing or sitting but just living with the music…now that’s true greatness.

11:20 pm

Times don’t seem to be getting any better
I don’t blame it
No I don’t blame it

With all this chaos how do u expect not to make sense
Oh it never made sense

But if ask me to
I will promise you the world in a better condition

You can believe all I say
Or you can just walk away
Its you to choose
Oh its you to choose

If you ask me
I will crumble I will crumble into pieces
Youll never even know it was me
And if you ask me
If you ask me
I will leave
If you really want me to leave

Now times they haven’t been that good
And the clock just keeps ticking away
But I say if we stick together I know we can find away
To make more sense of all this misery
If your with me
If your with me

If you ask me to I will
Give the world to you
In better conditions
You can leave me oh you can walk away from every word I ever say if you choose to

But know at times it gets hard it gets hard on everyone
You just have to find away to keep moving on
Its all about staying strong
And staying together now

Btu believe me
You wont need me
I don’t need to push you in anymore
Life ahead of you is knocking at ur door
I don’t have to tell u to answer it
Youll just know youll just know
If you ask me to
Ill bring the world to you
Ill bring it to you in better condition
And if you needed to
Baby I will walk away from you
If that was your only choice
That was your only choice
I will
I will
Cuz I know
The world isn’t in the greatest condition.

(a song written jan5th)