this is not about the young and rich

its ridiculous what our lives have turn into
a chaotic mix of lies and confusion
and yet everyday we fall right back in.
we cant help it .
the magnetic technology is damaging our minds
making us unable to think but to just do.
when can we be capable to just say no
and get up to walk away?
when you stop playing with our hearts and let us think for ourselves
we are not robots yet me move in uniform
there's a war on love in this town
and there's only one thing to do
__________

If I Only Had The Guts

i could tell you everything i feel,
everything I've wanted to spill for so long but i don't know if i should.
ill tell you how much i don't approve
only to make my case seem better.
ill tell you
why i think i should be given the chance.
ill tell you an overload of words,
half which you wont exactly hear.
ill tell you i want to hold you.
i want to be held.
and then you'll laugh and turn your head.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW
within the jealousy there is hope,
not to ruin but to rejoice.
i want something out of this that i know wont come for me
but i make those wishes at 11:11 for a reason.
so maybe today wont be my day
but eventually
you'll know every word i wanted to scream
by heart.

-to a special someone who will never know-

midnight trains to anywhere but home

no one gets it
no one ever will
i don't see how it takes forever to notice
its nothing big
its not too small
but its there.
they'll never understand like you and i have
the struggle i went through
how long it took
even if the end product wouldn't be our best
i was okay with that
it was the fact that i gained the power
with your help
to succeed.
no one gets it
no one ever will
and that's how
i learned to give up

she needs to scream

ill tell you all the bad things Ive done
only after i let you know how you are.
what you did
where i stand
i am unsure.
but there's this hope i think lying above my bed
staring at me in the night
giving me shivers down my spine.
i thought we were good
we were right
i was wrong
i believed more than the eyes showed me,
its something i tend to do.
i care just a little too much
and that's where i go bad.

obsession and dishonesty are two things i cannot stand
but tend to have on me
i don't want to be a bad one
i only mean good when we speak
but the times are catching up with all Ive ever done
and i can no longer run
they've caught me and they need me to surrender

no matter what Ive done
the deepest crime i could carry out
my white flag will never be raised
and that's where i go bad.

today they spoke. she gazed in another eyes.

i thought that maybe i could get this off my mind with some sleep
a moments nap did me no good
then i told myself let me go for a drive
but the only place i drove to made me think about you even more
so i returned home and i sat here trying to clear my brain hoping this would pass me
but its one of those things that never want to move out of line
i feel congested with your presence
its not what i would expect from some simple move that i made myself
but this just never works out for me
your going to be in my dreams i'm almost sure of it
i cant believe i let you do this to me but at the same time im never willing to let go of what we have
and now that regret is building and shell be returning i dont know what to say or to think i would ask for your help but i feel itll just create a bigger hole for me to be in
where will i go with this story?
i never know ill just let the wave flow.

Sit and Stare

this is going to bother me for some time now
not that it already hasnt
are we a yes or no
a swing of temperary excitment
one couldnt tell with every event that has passed.

frustration frustration frustration
my mind rings with it daily
im just going to guess 80% of that is from you
yes you mean this much to me
feel better yet?
cuz i know i dont

everything you do to me
well it glues for a time longer than life
maybe its just my childish brain
never wanting to let go
not wanting to accept this change

but is it worth it when i do?
its not like things with us can be different
perhaps only more awkward than now
we keep each other a secret
only because we're too young to reach out.

there goes my mind thinking too deep
this happens every time you're around
every time your mouth opens and you spill a slight inch of emotion

you can open up with me
ill be your friend
and i want to picture me mature and older
i want to see us and not you and then me
i want life to tell me its okay to be this way with myself
and i want to end up in your arms.

ill be daydreaming longer than expected.

hey spider

i once knew a spider
who wanted to get higher
and followed music wherever it played.

everyone felt they were never able to know this spider
and she was never able to know herself
kept away for all these years
it was time for her to get off the shelf.

trailing along the streets
she listend close to every beat
the cars the trash cans the feet
the vibe was letting her float
she was sailing on the musical boat

ending up at the chance
with her first glance
the spider had fallen in love

she followed the stairs into the main room
the music loud and proud
the largest crowd shes ever seen
she was ready to become a rock n' roll queen

within the cracks of the walls
the noise down the halls
the spider couldnt keep up

faster than fashon was on
planning on playing all night long
she realized this was her "cup"

starring into each pair of eyes
feeling unreal with her existence
the music flowed inside her
it became her life
gave her strife
and now nothing was a blur

the music crawled up her spin
broke her in half
put her back together and
broke her again

month and month
she ended up back at the chance
chipping paint but some awesome bands
mayday parade and all time low
where the wild things are and ready set go
time stood still or just went really slow

loving every minute
she wanted to feel what they were feeling
and with a sense of belonging
this was going to be her new home

she left her mark adn is remembered for it with each return
her name was legendary
"the spider who let herself run free"
"the spider others wanted to be"
it didnt matter that no one knew her before
she realized her life was no longer going to be a bore

looking for acceptance
after eight years shes finally found it
her time is coming to move on and enjoy this earth on her own
shell be going high and wide, she'll soar

she daydreams and she questions
"where will i end up?"
"will i end up where i want?"

brave and unafraid of the journey ahead of her
she felt the beauty in her claws
and she wasnt letting go
music let her feel the passion the pain the joy
this is the spider we all want to know.

Icicles

The bird became me
he told me to soar and let my wings flow high and wide
he told me if i look back
look back in grace
he told me a story of a girl who didn't know how to take life
he said it was short and should never have a care or worry
all will be great all will be swell
a tear appeared in my eye and he wafted it away
he left me dry and wanting more.
he left with a smile he flew up high.
i shouldn't let things bring me down
it'll only take my life to the darkest alleys
hes seen it all and that i want to be
i became the bird and he became me
i learned how to live free.

Dont believe me.

the rain pours on the misery
and that makes me stand out clearly
with this cloud over my head
i should've listened to what my parents said
when they said beware of the monsters
and to look ahead with my eyes wide open
now I'm the only one left to say
I'm sorry.

deserved and departed
she was left by the stream
watching the leaves go by
they walked away like we have with you
its not your time to shine but it'll always be your fault

a kiss on the cheek and a lie on the forehead
you left us in shock with those hilarious words
your makeup couldnt cover your false promises
and now your mascara is dripping on the floor
you can't hide from what we already know

All that ever made sense

now its time to say goodbye
with all we've been through
and the trouble Ive been in
I'm glad we can move on from
controversy.
i look back on this day
brave and unafraid of what will follow me
throughout this future
that lays in her hands.
my heart will always hold this feeling.
whenever your name is heard or written,
ill know
and my eyes will glitter for a moment before
realization.
we are done
you can call us what we want
but there is no us in you and I
we are no longer the super team that planned on
conquering.

we is you and me.
i miss what we were,what we could be.

Shes So Called Fire

and all they can say is let it be
let it burn
all they ever mean
are lies within the sheets
don't you feel it within your finger tips
and she cries all alone in the night hoping for a kinda place that she can call home
shes looking for some sanity
everyone is leaving her in this aching town that we know
but shes never leaving
shes crying out hoping for an answer
shes praying now praying now shes on her hands and knees begging please
will someone get me away out
will someone let me out
its all shes asking for
and she will cry her red bleeding eyes out and her heart will pace oh the fastest
but where does she end up in the end
never ask for too much because you'll get too little
when u give your all.
u let the fire burn until u cant take enough
and its what they'll call love.

Oh Germany, we're going into the Channel

Confidence is lost and your face scatters in my mind
im trying to focus on the other things in life but im sorry to say its not so easy
YOU! its all im getting at
YOU! its all i see all i enjoy
but dont worry you're not the first that has given me this feeling
you wont be the last either.
all i can say is that it felt different better than the rest
You! gave me this odd confidence this odd passion in my stomach to say the least
im not wanting to hold back im moving at a full speed
but there is a glass blocking my entrance into someone and something new
and im not going to lie but i want to scream like in a horror film
i am the suspension behind the curtain
your the answer i will never figure
this ambiguous annoyance!
confusion only makes life ridiculous
it only kills the minds of the unwanted.
if you wanted to get rid of me you should've.

"JUST...SAY...NO!"

-the real monster lies beneath the skin-

the heiress so proudly we hail, no man of her own

i need to keep my distance but its hard when i constantly think of you. maybe I'm a fool I'm being fooled by letting this happen oh i know that much its exploding in my face or at least it will soon enough. my brain cant even function without the thought of you and i cringe up like a puppy about to be hit for the first time with a glance of your face.
your looking at me huh? am i a prize for you or do i mean a little extra?
you enjoy the rump in the rut but I'm more than sure I'm not ready for that time to arrive.
don't take me for granted if i like you because i wont do those things you expect I'm different I'm better than that you need to realize or let me go its only a matter of time.

-I've just committed myself to a life of infatuation-

i know nothing and admitt it.

it may seem like a fact
the way this friendship is more than platonic
how exactly can i hold you?
how can i tell you everything will be alright?
at what point will you grab me in your arms and tell me you know?
i may not know when or how to help
but i try
and though i become that nuisance in your ear
and im crawling up your spine
you love it
you live with it
and you want it to continue.
if i werent here
would help answer when you call?
would your dirty laundry be cleaned?
would your heart burst into tears and flood this nation with God's holy name?
you are left unspoken
your sentence is blank and looking for a sign
where do we go when time calls out our name?
when can our psyche represent all we live for?
when i open my eyes and reach to the sky
your hands cover over mine.

i think im supposed to be here.

and if i say it now
then it should feel as if i never said it before
its the way we never planned this out
the way my heart begins to burst everytime your near
and without you of course i can be fine on my own
but its the thought process you put me through
its one of the hardest things to admit
but the easiest to say
i have this emotion inside thats tellin me
"what if i go wrong?"
"what if the moment is all but a tumble weed?"
ill sit here
ill wait here
it could take an hour
or maybe a few
well give it a day or more
this is my heart on the line
i want everyone to see
no matter how many times
we'll fight and be stupid
no matter what it takes
whether its nothing or
a whole lot of trust
it doesnt matter what we do
but i end up here
i end up daydreaming and questioning
and trying to steer my mind in its right place
i picture this scene
where you and i have great fun
and end off in great ways
i have this hope in me
that if my time should arrive
ill be with open arms
i have this doubt
that turns me off
makes me aware that this is but a dream
but an idea
im not here for fake personas
im not here to fall apart
im just here to put in some heart
and only wait for answers to guide me.

Just going through some changes

"in my eyes
you don't see
and i don't breathe the way i used to.
yeah my lips, woah
you dont see
and i won't be the way i was on that night"

my minds been focusing on more than you think
the words are scrambling more than ever
im moving forward with four steps back
im left in a maze without an answer
he reappears
she begins to leave
emotions arent changing to the extreme
im growing up
im letting go
im packing bags
and starting fresh somewhere else
with someone new
its for my best
its whats deserved
let me be
leave me free
this year will eat you whole if you let it
i wont let it
i wont let it
this time left will disappear
im ready for the changes
for the new
and the old
im ready to take a stand
stomp my feet in muddy waters
as long as i continue
that is
if you let me
this year will eat me whole
i wont let it
itll rip me apart
itll show me my faults
my weakness with you around
i wont let it
i wont let it.

tonight =

Plus where the wild things are.
going with bff whitney!!!!




me stoked.
-alexis

overrated liberations

im in that mood
ready to write
yet ready to doze off into wonderland

theres now 2 things bothering which i need to get off my chest.
im going for help soon enough unless you want to come to me.

stress hovers over me like water over a dam
pouring its way throughout the town
leaving speechless minds and full mouths

so you dont follow me
no i will not be like you
i will not do the things you do
i dont expect you to care too much
dont be offended by my words
when i say
im DONE
ive made up this decision and i need you to just accept me
to let me go on my own when i get that way

my brain is filled with questions
the world is giving me answers
theres so many to choose from
but im sure i have an idea.


-i guess im not so sleepy afterall-

We've got a game going on.

rub it in and my skin begins to tear
dont you feel special?
couldnt it be kept to yourself for a moment more?
while your with everyone out in the open
im home alone closed to myself
the music was keeping me well kept
until the phone rang
my coffee break isnt for another hour or so
im loud and clear to listen or to speak with
but now i feel i should close up shop for the night
the problem is
without you id be miserable
and with you i am hurt
its a lose lose situation
and its hard to let go what i need most
ill let this pass for tonight
ill watch the nature of mammals on discovery channel
and compare the so called love we share
you've runined my dance of excitment
thanks alot best friend.


"jealousy is a bitch that wont leave this town"

I looked up to you. I wanted to look through this.

how could you give up so easily?
drop the line and leave me wanting more.
i felt difference
change
hope
maybe?
rushes of energy seeping through teenage minds
and it leaves us in confusion
goddammit
when will the questions end?
when can i take a deep breath and feel rejuvenated?
the moral is:
stop looking in to things
itll never be worth it
itll never make sense
youll always end up alone.

its time to grow tall

i cant take it ms princess
your heart is breaking
youve lost your dignity
i will take your plastic face
i will make it real
give you a good life to live
give you hope and love
i will be here
whenever your barbie arms are awaiting the break.
he was never worth what you have
he never will be
when will these words stick in your mind?
i am being a friend
blunt as it may be
its time to let go of daddys hand
its time to open your eyes.
look at the world ahead of you
pain free
everything you wished for is beyond the door
just say it
those words we need to hear
"im ready to jump, im ready to let go"

POST ME!

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POST IT EVERYWHERE!

HAPPY 23rd

Dr. Phil bores me
i feel my eyes slowly drooping from the sockets and rolling to the floor
at least that sounds a touch more exciting to see rather than a bald man stating the obvious and making people cry
"oh hes so deep"
not as deep as the hole of his grave.

todays aaron's birthday. :D
hes 23 today which is cool i guess
just 6 years apart....GOSHERS!!!

anyway heres something he wrote and sent to me one day...

My natural tendency is to walk forward from the mob and kiss you on the cheek (I said I’d kiss you on the cheek).These pieces of silver preclude my own destruction and eventually, I’ll see a tree with a rope suspended.Darkness haunts me, with a sense of looming sadness.Pride enslaves me turning anger to madnessThe illness has broken me and I’m reaching out from this churning deluge.I need some safety...a place of refuge.Your natural tendency is to stand up against the mob, and turn the other cheek.(You refused to condemn me)You surrendered Your rightful place, and reached down into this hell...You unshackled me, and pulled me free...and paid for my ransom in full.Light surrounds You, radiating forgivenessLove flows from You, transforming my hopelessness.Your kindness has broken me and I’m waiting for Your touch of healingYou give me oxygen...reveal realityI gave myself to everything but You....All the things that everyone said would lead to You.Now I’m laying here and I’m bleedingNothing to give, nothing to hinder me..I’m just breathing You in...And I will wait on you as I stare into Your eyes.

to bad that all the girls i meet suck at life don't make feel like that. thats why i'll still live in my reverie


http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/8/14/2049852/06-four_letter_lie-think_of_your_favorite_place.mp3

-alexis for now.

sonicSOLILOQUY: http://www.myspace.com/freshnewbeatz

So i have this life i live
when i give and give
ill never ask for anything in return
but at a time when i need it
ill need you there
not a toy with eyes popping out with each squeeze
i need a person to confront me
discuss with me
hug me
hold me
and take me home when im unsteady
theres someone special im wanting
but to want is not to need
and to need is so much more
the need is inside me
to be with you
and have you all for myself
i need a time to be selfish.
soon ill have nothing else to give
and maybe at this point
ill be losing grip with all that loved me
its not my fault
it never was supposed to end in such a manner
why do u take and take
and feed and fill up your tank
but leave everyone in your way dry
my bones are weak and begining to break
this toy does me no good.

headache writing

i took my car today with just a permit. i didnt go far but the rents caught me anyway. lame.

pure joy pure funisnt that what weve becomethis selfosh act on both our part were bad people we dont deserve what we havewe need to be taught to be scoldedand then maybe we can learn our lesson in living

he held my heart for moment longer and now im gluedwhen i close my eyes his eyes are all iseethey stare at me in love and care and fearwhen i return to his arms im looking for that warmthwhen he makes me cold this distance must only be for a moment a short tasteless thingi need your love with me your movements to follow and lips to touch i never wanted to be attached like this, maybe you shouldve dropped my heart

MOTHS!!!...stop having sex on my mirror GROSS!

the night i tried making a video to post....i frikin dropped the battery and now have no energy to find it. so here are some poems ive been writing lately to get my juices flowing again.

1)
And so she touched the doorknob just the way she planned. To perfection the door swiftly opened to only show a mirror. As she walked up to the dream she’s wanted all she can see if the hideous monster in front of her. Covered with makeup from lies and secrets unruly its as if she doesn’t deserve what she’s become. The words people will spread the possible rumor or truths, we will never know in fact. If only she was okay with herself if she didn’t let herself fall to pieces. Its not what she intended but its what she got. These are scars. Cocoa butter will not fix you tonight.

2)written july22
Give us a break
We work our butts off to get your attention
All we want is to be remembered
For everything we do
For everything we care for
Do you care as much we’d like you to


3)My brain is completely fried
I’m scrabbled eggs
And at this moment I have no idea what to think
I’m lost in every direction
The North Star isn’t shining me home


4)We make or break the fact that we live in this digression and you sit and state you couldn’t give a bigger damn but who are you to talk. You cant stop me in my tracks because I never end this roller coaster continues on until the day I lie in my death bed and you visit my lost soul. In the grave Ill take you for granted because I have nothing else to live for obviously I wasn’t thought of as the best thing and so this is my last breath will you hold me a second longer its all I could’ve ever wanted.

5)I spill words

there are things meant to be said
that ull never hear
you can never touch what wasnt yours
and so ill keep my distance
my mind wont speak through my mouth
my arms are locked to hug
things it will never hold
was it in me to let go
will you ever know
i spill words that mean nothing to you
May 28, 2008

6)written aug4
You’ve told me so much and all of it can process into my brain just fine and everything can be great but when I realize that I cant remember any of my own then we have a problem. I put u in front of myself but I need to be selfish too. Maybe I gave u too much liberty and when I act like my normal self u get upset and everything falls to pieces. I pretend like I know everything I know nothing I want to show u I have nothing to give I never did.
My laughs will never be the same
My breathing has changed drastically
This is me growing up
I guess this is what growing up feels like
Is it too early???
I’m risking everything on the line because I feel like I have nothing left to lose.
Forgive me when I’m willing to give up and move on
I’m stronger than that but even the strong have an Achilles heel
I’m weaker than you thought
Does that make u not want me?
Sometimes I don’t want myself.
Sometimes I feel ashamed.
The color in my eyes feels so much worseBlack and white happy living is where I wish to be.

7)written june1st
and as i watched the passing people
i said "he'll be here soon. he'll make everything better"
i held my breath for too many moments
only for me to end up passing out
to realizing nothing i want will be
to knowing you have yet to arrive.
my eyes were locked on the door
is that him
he looks just like him
whats the news i hear
you wont be here to see me
i only heard what i wanted
it will never come true
you will never be mine
ill never be close.
im tired of these mistakes
someone please just close the door
the show is over i am alone.

8)The awkwardness of it all. Standing in the rain waiting for you. These tears meant something before but now im just like everyone else you’ve been with and that makes me nothing at all.

She wanted to be held back, she wasn’t looking for an apology tonight. Anastasia grabbed her bag with as much energy as she could, her moment, her 15 minutes were over. Everything she wanted with him, to be, to say, she dreamt of it for too many nights. Sleeping in his comfortable bed far away from her, he never cared about who he was hurting. Tears weren’t meant to fall off her face, not this time. Revenge ran through her mind but even that would get her nowhere. She was young, foolish, and easily falling in love. She can’t help herself, she’s beautiful inside and she’s just around the world searching for something right but the “stars” are never on her side. So what if he was 7 years older, she was willing to be with him and he wanted her more than anything so what was thought. His name plays repeat in her mind “Sebastian”, “Anastasia and Sebastian”

9)Its 1 in the morning and Im still wide awake and the remembrance is killing my eyes and sometimes I feel I could get away from this and I just need some space from oh I selfish in all matter I realize this hope isn’t getting me far tonight or tomorrow

Don’t u see what been happening were falling in more than we should this frustration cant be held much longer letting go is our last option.


Its not what I expected and the way we are ud think wed push through the dark to reach the end with sun shining light on our mind. But today and for awhile ive been questioning all we were and this is my end for tonight yea this is my last goodbye


Wont we ever see what went wrong? Can we start again? The clocks wont turn back this time unless we realize our faults in life maybe it was never meant to be honestly I cant deal without but I need to live without….
Don’t u see whats been happening. Were not getting anywhere if we even knew where anywhere was were falling in more than we should letting go is my decision letting go is our last option.

10)We are the ones that let it go without a sound heard around the world.

11)You don’t get it do you? You’re taking the one thing I love and you’re turning it into your own. Complaining and complaining getting your way. THIS IS MY DREAM! My life was put into this don’t you see. Don’t you know how I should be? Don’t you know if u knew me questions wouldn’t have to be asked? Selfish or not I want to have a good time with all my friends laughing and jumping and jamming to the sounds playing around our ears but if the only thing ill be hearing is your voice cramming into my membrane complaining and expecting me to discuss all that’s been happening with a boy your not supposed to be seeing….then count me out there are other ways to have a good time.

12)written aug5th
and i hate when u act selfish and when u think u know more than me even if u doand everytime u do that little stutter in ur action...inside my heart freezes upeverytime i was left alone cuz u forgot of me i could never forgetbut the way u hug me when ur sorry im so forgivingi dont hate the way ur hair sways too and fro and i dont hate how your eyes look whether they're in the sun or notyou are amazing and i hate u for iti think im in love and i hate the thought of knowning this cant be.someone stop me i hate myself.

13)writtenaug7
ARRRRRGHH!im so foolish when i have no reason to bedont i know how to act my age?apparently not when im around youeven acting older makes me seem more like a childand i end up with a shortness of breath, an embarrassmentwill you like me for who i am?can i tell you my feelings without this turning into one of those awkward moments?you are who i wantim sorry if i try to be overly obvious or if its not enough for you to getyou make me pull my hair so atleast i can feel some pain over this likingsomeone slap mesomeone hold melet me be with youim overly dramaticim sensitive to the touchbut your touch is all ive been yearning foreverything you are is everything needed to keep me saneto keep me company in a crowded roomplease be my everythingso i can begin to breath again.

14)written aug7
maybe i was wrong with everything ive been sayingugh heres goes my childish charm...and thats only if its charmingdo i have you where i want you?or are u sliping further away with each line i type?there you go making me think more than i shoulddamn you boys!my fist has been raised and im ready to break this into smitherinsmy mood???no clue im at a lost of wordsi cant even focus on myself or the music seeming into my earseverything seems blurry like im traveling to a new town a new dimension of reality there is no forward only where i amdoes this mean im never letting go??

Run from the flames

and so today i start my first blog. not guna lie alil nerve racking cuz im sure itll suck pretty soon.
hell its sucking "more than a whore on a friday night." thanks to dana for totally getting that stuck in my head.
so at this moment...besides the moment that im typing...im tryin to create my first vlog which isnt getting me far.

so anyway: GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!!!
trying not to be lame and not being totally illegal with my work i guess im using this blog just to introduce myself to the world kinda thing.

hopefully people will dig the music i listen to and the words i write/type and for anything maybe we can talk.

ima pretty chill girl who digs music and poetry but dont take me as an overdramatic emo kinda person cuz then uve got me wrong. and dont take this as me tryin to get a boyfriend cuz even tho im single i cant say i want to look via online cuz thats not my thing plus id love someone close.

so i reside in the burbs of new york and im 16...pedos beware. i guess i can be funny but dont expect me to try cuz my trying is horrible on all levels. i can be shy but i guess that's the point of this...to open me up...not a sexual innuendo.

occasionally ill add my friends to this mix so u can say hello but mostly itll be me discussing, questioning, being.

if u ever wana talk...comments will be answered plus i use aim: thisbealexis

check ya soon with a video:
-alexis.