Analysis

because right now for some reason i am extremely happy with myself
with my life and everything in it
its this feeling that i know i should be more realistic with
but i cant control it
its like the imagination is controlling every bit of me
and everything i see is only something i want
my eyes aren't lying
my heart just feels warm
like this is whats supposed to happen
but im not sure exactly what what is
it just happened and i let it in with open arms
i feel i made things right
but what exactly did i do
and i put myself through confusion
with a sweet poisonous smile
that everyone will fall for
even after I'm gone
yet i have this nerve that i should be suffering
i should be trying to keep the road straight
like when i went for a drive today
i felt like i was floating
it wasn't real
i never started the car
and i was arriving at a happy place
i sound psychotic in most cases
but ol golly me i feel so great no matter what pain im in
i dont know how to explain it
i just know it cant be love
for once this is not me in love or in like.

Not To Toot My Own Horn But, Beep Beep

Four year strong blasting through these tiny speakers
only half of which i can actually hear.
this sickness is pretty much taking over my whole body
eating my insides and not leaving any crumbs.
for a moment of time ill feel great, ready to move on throughout my day
and then im dragged into this dark pit of empty
with no one to keep me company
and no one to pull me out
just left to bask in nothing at all.
some say this will kill you
do you have the will power to continue fighting?
the guts to say I WONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME!(?)
I've lost quite the amount of weight
not wanting to eat
or do anything at all
the medication continues to let me sleep
so then i look slugish day in day out.
i look hopeless
and everyone is beginning to notice.
my ears feel like hands are covering them
like someone doesn't want me to hear whats going on.
everything is so foggy but my eyes don't have a defogger
and my nose isn't willing to let the disease blow.
my arms feel hurt
like i've been bruised
like they're about to break off.
my whole life feels like its about to break off
like Pangaea is seperating for a second time.
four year strong is playing through these tiny speakers
and i hear the song slowly slipping away.

due to headache

hes here with me i just know it; that shadow that will not budge. goddamn you! leave me here to die, no need to put me through the agony of one more day without you. its been too long! its been too long! and I'm still here I'm still here! I'm just falling apart thinking of hugs and love and all that puppy bullshit. its never going to change for me you will never change me. cant you see I've been here forever and forever is where I'll stay. i don't want to but i have no choice.
I've looked north!
and I've looked away and i can never get myself anywhere else.
I'm here for good
and all you left was a shadow
i don't get it!
i don't get why i am left here
i want to leave
i need a place to grow
I'm a premature kind of habit
I'm nothing more than dirt
its been said so many times!
"you will go no where"
no matter how many times you try to reach out to the open door
it will slam your fingers in
it will leave you in pain.
this shadow will just laugh its all it can do!
that number
wont dial itself
and you wont dial it either
you prefer to know what could be but what wont be.
and all you do is complain
about the awkward silences
and how the real image never leaves you
but you have the shadow
he watches your every move
and he is young and pure and not sure of what will happen next.
but you never made your move and you never will because your heart is too scared to mend itself and you think all will get better eventually.
it wont
you let this world eat you whole!
and you think everything will be fine?!
you'll continue to bitch this whole life through
yet you''ll never make a move to stop it?!
that shadow will never leave you if you plan on doing nothing. it will continue to laugh at you and let this regret build up.
you still have time don't let this get to you.
its been too long. its been too long.

you keep me up in bed

Im drifting off into the imaginary world where you are with me and we are holding hands and these tears arent falling. the sky is shining bright with the stars letting us find our ways home and the perfect song is playing. everything so perfect with everyone around but it only ever feeling like you and I are the only things on this planet.
I think of you more than i ever should i dont get why i was never able to let go. you were the closest one to me and you gave me everything with nothing at all your presence was what i desired most and your lips that i was never able to touch just continue to keep me wanting.
when will i know that i can jump and i get over the bridge holding someone else, someone else holding me? why have you left this scar?

this is to a boy who got into my head with all the pretty things he did.
this is to a boy who got into my head with all these fucked up things i did.
you are my Konstantine.

i dont want to be alone to be put off knowing nothing wouldve happened.
I fucked up and i want you
ill never get that chance again
im stuck in this portal where i can never run back
what i feel will make me whole
and complete my life so then i can die happy
and i can be who i want
but its no use writing this down
and picturing something thats not there
its hopeless and not needed
its dumb and foolish
and all i do it put more pressure on my mind
what if
what if
what if
what if is not going to happen for you hunny
you choose to lock yourself up
and only breathe the fresh air occasionally
you will go no where if you become the closet
but my feet already feel secure in this place.