"in my eyes
you don't see
and i don't breathe the way i used to.
yeah my lips, woah
you dont see
and i won't be the way i was on that night"
my minds been focusing on more than you think
the words are scrambling more than ever
im moving forward with four steps back
im left in a maze without an answer
he reappears
she begins to leave
emotions arent changing to the extreme
im growing up
im letting go
im packing bags
and starting fresh somewhere else
with someone new
its for my best
its whats deserved
let me be
leave me free
this year will eat you whole if you let it
i wont let it
i wont let it
this time left will disappear
im ready for the changes
for the new
and the old
im ready to take a stand
stomp my feet in muddy waters
as long as i continue
that is
if you let me
this year will eat me whole
i wont let it
itll rip me apart
itll show me my faults
my weakness with you around
i wont let it
i wont let it.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Just going through some changes
Friday, August 22, 2008
overrated liberations
im in that mood
ready to write
yet ready to doze off into wonderland
theres now 2 things bothering which i need to get off my chest.
im going for help soon enough unless you want to come to me.
stress hovers over me like water over a dam
pouring its way throughout the town
leaving speechless minds and full mouths
so you dont follow me
no i will not be like you
i will not do the things you do
i dont expect you to care too much
dont be offended by my words
when i say
im DONE
ive made up this decision and i need you to just accept me
to let me go on my own when i get that way
my brain is filled with questions
the world is giving me answers
theres so many to choose from
but im sure i have an idea.
-i guess im not so sleepy afterall-
Saturday, August 16, 2008
We've got a game going on.
rub it in and my skin begins to tear
dont you feel special?
couldnt it be kept to yourself for a moment more?
while your with everyone out in the open
im home alone closed to myself
the music was keeping me well kept
until the phone rang
my coffee break isnt for another hour or so
im loud and clear to listen or to speak with
but now i feel i should close up shop for the night
the problem is
without you id be miserable
and with you i am hurt
its a lose lose situation
and its hard to let go what i need most
ill let this pass for tonight
ill watch the nature of mammals on discovery channel
and compare the so called love we share
you've runined my dance of excitment
thanks alot best friend.
"jealousy is a bitch that wont leave this town"
Friday, August 15, 2008
I looked up to you. I wanted to look through this.
how could you give up so easily?
drop the line and leave me wanting more.
i felt difference
change
hope
maybe?
rushes of energy seeping through teenage minds
and it leaves us in confusion
goddammit
when will the questions end?
when can i take a deep breath and feel rejuvenated?
the moral is:
stop looking in to things
itll never be worth it
itll never make sense
youll always end up alone.
its time to grow tall
i cant take it ms princess
your heart is breaking
youve lost your dignity
i will take your plastic face
i will make it real
give you a good life to live
give you hope and love
i will be here
whenever your barbie arms are awaiting the break.
he was never worth what you have
he never will be
when will these words stick in your mind?
i am being a friend
blunt as it may be
its time to let go of daddys hand
its time to open your eyes.
look at the world ahead of you
pain free
everything you wished for is beyond the door
just say it
those words we need to hear
"im ready to jump, im ready to let go"
Thursday, August 14, 2008
HAPPY 23rd
Dr. Phil bores me
i feel my eyes slowly drooping from the sockets and rolling to the floor
at least that sounds a touch more exciting to see rather than a bald man stating the obvious and making people cry
"oh hes so deep"
not as deep as the hole of his grave.
todays aaron's birthday. :D
hes 23 today which is cool i guess
just 6 years apart....GOSHERS!!!
anyway heres something he wrote and sent to me one day...
My natural tendency is to walk forward from the mob and kiss you on the cheek (I said I’d kiss you on the cheek).These pieces of silver preclude my own destruction and eventually, I’ll see a tree with a rope suspended.Darkness haunts me, with a sense of looming sadness.Pride enslaves me turning anger to madnessThe illness has broken me and I’m reaching out from this churning deluge.I need some safety...a place of refuge.Your natural tendency is to stand up against the mob, and turn the other cheek.(You refused to condemn me)You surrendered Your rightful place, and reached down into this hell...You unshackled me, and pulled me free...and paid for my ransom in full.Light surrounds You, radiating forgivenessLove flows from You, transforming my hopelessness.Your kindness has broken me and I’m waiting for Your touch of healingYou give me oxygen...reveal realityI gave myself to everything but You....All the things that everyone said would lead to You.Now I’m laying here and I’m bleedingNothing to give, nothing to hinder me..I’m just breathing You in...And I will wait on you as I stare into Your eyes.
to bad that all the girls i meet suck at life don't make feel like that. thats why i'll still live in my reverie
http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/8/14/2049852/06-four_letter_lie-think_of_your_favorite_place.mp3
-alexis for now.
sonicSOLILOQUY: http://www.myspace.com/freshnewbeatz
So i have this life i live
when i give and give
ill never ask for anything in return
but at a time when i need it
ill need you there
not a toy with eyes popping out with each squeeze
i need a person to confront me
discuss with me
hug me
hold me
and take me home when im unsteady
theres someone special im wanting
but to want is not to need
and to need is so much more
the need is inside me
to be with you
and have you all for myself
i need a time to be selfish.
soon ill have nothing else to give
and maybe at this point
ill be losing grip with all that loved me
its not my fault
it never was supposed to end in such a manner
why do u take and take
and feed and fill up your tank
but leave everyone in your way dry
my bones are weak and begining to break
this toy does me no good.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
headache writing
Thursday, August 7, 2008
MOTHS!!!...stop having sex on my mirror GROSS!
the night i tried making a video to post....i frikin dropped the battery and now have no energy to find it. so here are some poems ive been writing lately to get my juices flowing again.
1)
And so she touched the doorknob just the way she planned. To perfection the door swiftly opened to only show a mirror. As she walked up to the dream she’s wanted all she can see if the hideous monster in front of her. Covered with makeup from lies and secrets unruly its as if she doesn’t deserve what she’s become. The words people will spread the possible rumor or truths, we will never know in fact. If only she was okay with herself if she didn’t let herself fall to pieces. Its not what she intended but its what she got. These are scars. Cocoa butter will not fix you tonight.
2)written july22
Give us a break
We work our butts off to get your attention
All we want is to be remembered
For everything we do
For everything we care for
Do you care as much we’d like you to
3)My brain is completely fried
I’m scrabbled eggs
And at this moment I have no idea what to think
I’m lost in every direction
The North Star isn’t shining me home
4)We make or break the fact that we live in this digression and you sit and state you couldn’t give a bigger damn but who are you to talk. You cant stop me in my tracks because I never end this roller coaster continues on until the day I lie in my death bed and you visit my lost soul. In the grave Ill take you for granted because I have nothing else to live for obviously I wasn’t thought of as the best thing and so this is my last breath will you hold me a second longer its all I could’ve ever wanted.
5)I spill words
there are things meant to be said
that ull never hear
you can never touch what wasnt yours
and so ill keep my distance
my mind wont speak through my mouth
my arms are locked to hug
things it will never hold
was it in me to let go
will you ever know
i spill words that mean nothing to you
May 28, 2008
6)written aug4
You’ve told me so much and all of it can process into my brain just fine and everything can be great but when I realize that I cant remember any of my own then we have a problem. I put u in front of myself but I need to be selfish too. Maybe I gave u too much liberty and when I act like my normal self u get upset and everything falls to pieces. I pretend like I know everything I know nothing I want to show u I have nothing to give I never did.
My laughs will never be the same
My breathing has changed drastically
This is me growing up
I guess this is what growing up feels like
Is it too early???
I’m risking everything on the line because I feel like I have nothing left to lose.
Forgive me when I’m willing to give up and move on
I’m stronger than that but even the strong have an Achilles heel
I’m weaker than you thought
Does that make u not want me?
Sometimes I don’t want myself.
Sometimes I feel ashamed.
The color in my eyes feels so much worseBlack and white happy living is where I wish to be.
7)written june1st
and as i watched the passing people
i said "he'll be here soon. he'll make everything better"
i held my breath for too many moments
only for me to end up passing out
to realizing nothing i want will be
to knowing you have yet to arrive.
my eyes were locked on the door
is that him
he looks just like him
whats the news i hear
you wont be here to see me
i only heard what i wanted
it will never come true
you will never be mine
ill never be close.
im tired of these mistakes
someone please just close the door
the show is over i am alone.
8)The awkwardness of it all. Standing in the rain waiting for you. These tears meant something before but now im just like everyone else you’ve been with and that makes me nothing at all.
She wanted to be held back, she wasn’t looking for an apology tonight. Anastasia grabbed her bag with as much energy as she could, her moment, her 15 minutes were over. Everything she wanted with him, to be, to say, she dreamt of it for too many nights. Sleeping in his comfortable bed far away from her, he never cared about who he was hurting. Tears weren’t meant to fall off her face, not this time. Revenge ran through her mind but even that would get her nowhere. She was young, foolish, and easily falling in love. She can’t help herself, she’s beautiful inside and she’s just around the world searching for something right but the “stars” are never on her side. So what if he was 7 years older, she was willing to be with him and he wanted her more than anything so what was thought. His name plays repeat in her mind “Sebastian”, “Anastasia and Sebastian”
9)Its 1 in the morning and Im still wide awake and the remembrance is killing my eyes and sometimes I feel I could get away from this and I just need some space from oh I selfish in all matter I realize this hope isn’t getting me far tonight or tomorrow
Don’t u see what been happening were falling in more than we should this frustration cant be held much longer letting go is our last option.
Its not what I expected and the way we are ud think wed push through the dark to reach the end with sun shining light on our mind. But today and for awhile ive been questioning all we were and this is my end for tonight yea this is my last goodbye
Wont we ever see what went wrong? Can we start again? The clocks wont turn back this time unless we realize our faults in life maybe it was never meant to be honestly I cant deal without but I need to live without….
Don’t u see whats been happening. Were not getting anywhere if we even knew where anywhere was were falling in more than we should letting go is my decision letting go is our last option.
10)We are the ones that let it go without a sound heard around the world.
11)You don’t get it do you? You’re taking the one thing I love and you’re turning it into your own. Complaining and complaining getting your way. THIS IS MY DREAM! My life was put into this don’t you see. Don’t you know how I should be? Don’t you know if u knew me questions wouldn’t have to be asked? Selfish or not I want to have a good time with all my friends laughing and jumping and jamming to the sounds playing around our ears but if the only thing ill be hearing is your voice cramming into my membrane complaining and expecting me to discuss all that’s been happening with a boy your not supposed to be seeing….then count me out there are other ways to have a good time.
12)written aug5th
and i hate when u act selfish and when u think u know more than me even if u doand everytime u do that little stutter in ur action...inside my heart freezes upeverytime i was left alone cuz u forgot of me i could never forgetbut the way u hug me when ur sorry im so forgivingi dont hate the way ur hair sways too and fro and i dont hate how your eyes look whether they're in the sun or notyou are amazing and i hate u for iti think im in love and i hate the thought of knowning this cant be.someone stop me i hate myself.
13)writtenaug7
ARRRRRGHH!im so foolish when i have no reason to bedont i know how to act my age?apparently not when im around youeven acting older makes me seem more like a childand i end up with a shortness of breath, an embarrassmentwill you like me for who i am?can i tell you my feelings without this turning into one of those awkward moments?you are who i wantim sorry if i try to be overly obvious or if its not enough for you to getyou make me pull my hair so atleast i can feel some pain over this likingsomeone slap mesomeone hold melet me be with youim overly dramaticim sensitive to the touchbut your touch is all ive been yearning foreverything you are is everything needed to keep me saneto keep me company in a crowded roomplease be my everythingso i can begin to breath again.
14)written aug7
maybe i was wrong with everything ive been sayingugh heres goes my childish charm...and thats only if its charmingdo i have you where i want you?or are u sliping further away with each line i type?there you go making me think more than i shoulddamn you boys!my fist has been raised and im ready to break this into smitherinsmy mood???no clue im at a lost of wordsi cant even focus on myself or the music seeming into my earseverything seems blurry like im traveling to a new town a new dimension of reality there is no forward only where i amdoes this mean im never letting go??
