A Typical Nothing

i thought originally things would be okay
i thought eventually i could go and say hi to you
and i could walk away with a smile
knowing that your smiling too.
but today when i went up to you
it was a joke
queezy motions
i didnt feel that happiness that i once felt
and i felt sad
and you know i told myself
maybe just maybe you were the one that i liked.
i told myself for once in my life
i can be happy
and it wouldnt have to matter how much older you were
because you made me happy
seeing you everyday made me happy
but iam not going to be that girl that stays there waiting for you
to make your coffee.
im going to walk away eventually
im going to have an actually job
get an education
i didnt care that you didnt have the same
i didnt care what you did
your past meant nothing to me.
i was happy seeing your truck drive by
knowing that someones working with the trees and nature
whether you were burning it or renewing it
i approved of all you stood for without even knowing what you stood for
because i told myself
maybe just maybe i was in love with you
it didnt matter age
oh i still have those feelings
theyre all i have left now
you dont seem to be the same
so now they're beginning to vanish.
you dont care anymore
but i didnt know if you cared before
did you even remember my name?
scream it!
tell me that i meant something to you
i know i dont anymore
i know that we moved on from this
i know that you were looking for a realistic aged women
whos also living a life like you
maybe not with trees but i think you get the picture
she will realize shes fucked up as well
and you will take her into your arms
and you will tell her how much you love her.
maybe just maybe i loved you
and maybe i can get over you
im still not sure yet
im still young i dont really know what im saying half the time.
so when she gave me that call that day to tell me where you were
my heart stopped my breathing impaired my stomach empty
it was a shock but i loved it
just as much as i loved you
i looked like crap
and i didnt care
as long as i saw your face
and oh i saw your face
and i was nervous and overwhelmed
and i couldnt say hi
i figured you would know why
i figured you know that maybe you still understand
but you wouldnt have cared
you never really cared did you
i was just one of those girls who stood at the counter with your coffee already made
even though mine was made with love
you couldnt tell
cuz its just coffee right?
but i never regreted what i did for you
i still care even though i shouldnt
its the impact you left on me
dont you see it
dont you see what you did?
i was able to still love or care for you
even though you didnt
it was still something
it was something out of my heart
and out of my mind
the kindness in my eyes that you didnt see before
you can see it now
hell. you cant see it anymore
i know that my love meant nothing
my care meant nothing
and everything that i did or try to do for you meant nothing
every cup.
every drop.
every splash of cream
every sugar
french vanilla cream extra sugar
how could i forget
how does that make you feel?
you dont care
you never did you never will
and i think i know why
because in your eyes i was thought of as a child
as a baby
still young and not sure of the world
tell me once you never had a feeling for me
tell me you never said i was awesome and you really wanted to know me
you really think those conversations were nothing?
so i guess you really dont care.

.......

its just a kiss it dont mean nothing, no
im done im done im dreaming
this sun is sober cuz ive got to move on my own
i cant take it no
your out of my life
please just stop holding on
my arm is gripping
its getting closer
to all we know


i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i can get to the end

if you wanted to help me
so

i know you heard about the last one
yea everybody else knows
but whatd you think about before
and what do you think about it now
are you willing to give it a chance
are you for this secondary backseat romance
just tell me if your ready

i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then ill get to the end
we can hold hands and well sing
well be so happy
but its just my heart dreaming
my heart is dreaming

it never seemed that hard no
it never seemed so difficult
it always seemed so easy
if i had you then id be done(x2)

but im not sure if your with me

i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i will get to the end
i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i can get to the end

if your here with me
then hold my hand and well sing
if your here with me
then hold my hand well sing
if your here with me
then hold my hand and well sing
if your here with me
then my hold my hand and well
lalalalalalalalalala
lalalalalalalalalala

i dont where im going
i dont know where ive been
all i know is if your with me
then i can get to the end
we can hold hands and well sing
well have only good memories

cuz this is all i need
i need my precious baby
if your with me

i dont deserve to write anymore

god, i just dont know what to say anymore
i have no way to make proper sense
so i end up playing scrabble in my brain
a game ive never been good at.

so many things cross my mind but i can never pick
just one to talk about
to scream out or help me breathe
a little longer.

oh brother there i go again making myself seem vulnerable
not that i am not of course
it just takes some time for me to move on
to keep focus of
the right thing.

laugh at me if i make a fool
its common in my nick of the woods
though woods have never been a favorite place of mine
to be found and to scatter.

i need an open space
i need time alone
i need to just sit
sip coffee or perhaps green tea
that stuff always makes me feel good
i need to scream
i say it all the time
i need to let out all my emotions
or i just need to not care anymore
its just not easy
i dont care what you say
it will not happen for me
i always end up stuck
god fucking damnit!

here i am repeating myself, it's all i'll ever do.